I think the best way to introduce this topic is with part of a letter I wrote (though I never did get around to sending it) to a dear friend of mine:

"...I have had one or two who've met me say something akin to 'you're not just a girl are you?' but most everyone takes one took at the tits and ignores all else. Mentally, I'm mostly male (not all, but mostly) and my masculine pride is battered near the point of violence. What in the devil does it take to look past my skin? Fuck, even my most recent bed partner refused to acknowledge it. He told me although I was more masculine than the majority of his male friends I was still a woman. What's up with that? I'm just as manly as he is, and yet I'm still just a girl? Shit.

Why is it so hard for people to accept the fact that things aren't always as they seem, "don't judge a book by it's cover" and all that? I know most people will never look at me for more than what they see, but those who know me shouldn't be able to ignore it. I even participate in 'boys nights out' with Cody, Jon, and their male friends, but they still don't know what they're looking at. Jon understands, more or less, but that's just one person. Granted, he also trusses up in skirts now and again (I call her Rachelle) so he's got a better veiw of andogeny..."

I'm different in many ways I suppose, but my sexual identity has always been high on my list of concerns. Perhaps it's because I feel misunderstood, mayhap it's because I'm an insatiable sensualist, I dunna'. No matter the cause, it's an important subject to me, and not one I take lightly.

It's hard to quantify just who and what I am (and I know I'm not alone in this). To put in in a nutshell I'm not only sex-obsessed, but I identify with both male and female personas. I look like a girl from stem to stern (women's clothing is sensual and I adore it, on myself and on others), but I'm not all girl. Nor am I all male (though there are times when I feel like it). Ambiguous, androgynous, confused? Certainly, but it makes for a richer character (or so I tell myself *smirk*). I enjoy being me, no matter how odd I might be. True it's tough that people pigeon-hole me at a glance, but that would happen anyway. Does the person exist that can be understood with a look? I think not.

Still, there are difficulties. It's nice to have the some of the positive aspects of both genders, but I also have pairs of the negative ones. I can tell you now, no man, woman, or child wants to see me exibiting both female jealousy and male territorialism at the same time. For the most part I can keep myself under control, but it can be a strain. At any point in time, my mind can also harbor conflicting impulses. With the way my mind works, I can completely believe in contradictory ideas. The two won't cancel eachother out, or come together as one idea with degrees of doubt, but stay seprate causing sparks. It gives me a horrid headache when it happens, believe you me!

There is more, but it's hard to lay down in cold text ideas that I still don't have completely sorted out in my own brain. I had to let it out though, at least, I had to try. I wanted to put down stakes, to call out "I am here and this is who I am!". My goal is both to enlighten and be recognised. Not to mention, there is a chance that others who are "unique" in the same way I am might find these pages. We are not alone, you know. It just tends to feel that way on occasion.