GARDIAN ANGELS, KARMA & GROWING UP FAST

Raised as a Presbyterian Christian ‘big’ boy, but a runt for my age was hi-stress karma dramas. First i was orphaned at birth, at the peak of WW2 into the nursery for 5 weeks, then adopted by uptite sterile couple of parents as the only child, adored of course, until.....teenage. I was small, brite, clever, needy, cute, quick & good to show off with. Being taken to church for baptism & Sunday school for years, with ‘the hit parade’ & TV coming on strong i was too normal, a needy sucker to notice the ‘Cold war’ with Russia. Except when we had ‘atom bomb’ air raid drills at school, to scare us into line. Daily i pigged-out on multiple treats parents gave, proud of the spending money & big ‘sweet’ eater i was. Attending a big ‘grade-school’(1,000+), i rebelled from 1st grade on, when i kept running around the class, talking to kids, the teacher tied me to a chair, tapeing by mouth shut to stop me. Then i broke thru my baby ego, as my gardian angels were secretly guiding growing more aware & trying for real love. I began gradually risking & rebelling more for freedom, after my 10 yo maxi-tantrum.

One day, after 10 yrs of normal family fantasy games i had an ego death. For mysterious causes, i freaked-out at home, yelling, crying, stomping around, raging that “no-one loves me, where’s god? you(my 2 parents sitting shocked)hate me/don’t love me, its all lies, etc, on & on for over an hr. Stunned by the crazy boy, “No, no, no, we love you, your our pride & joy”, bla, bla, bla. I didn’t believe or understand most of it passed like a storm. I was just upset, got over it, back to normal, as we all denied it happened to be true. Before that I’d prayed daily, usually at bed, The Lords prayer & acted(pretended)like a good boy.

Soon after mom & dad(a cop) got a younger(foster) brother for me to play with, which they rarely did. So i anxiously went out in our noisy middle-class blocks to play with the boys, any popular sports, hide & seek, & a macho prove-it, tuff=guy pecking order of older boys. Then i began my lifelong career of rebelling for freedom by: sneeking, lying, & puberty masturbating, smoking, soft-porno, girl chasing & daring do with the guys, mostly secret from adults, the big enemy.

I got in trouble at home, school & few times for petty theft, typical angry boy seeking fun, given up ‘god’ except on Sunday church made to attend, i hated the phony show, but like seeing & meeting the girls. By 8th grade masturbating was a daily pleasure, mostly in bed at nite after a day of dirty jokes, cussing & sneeking smokes etc. But i didn’t know how to ‘be with’ girls. So i managed to trade ‘privates’ peeks with 2 girls, i got cot(told on) by one girl, got me in trouble. But the hot fun was close(not humpy)dancing at parties & dances, hot & sweaty, nearly coming my pants in a trance of lust. My 1 yr. younger brother & i weren’t close, but we secretly sexed after pubery was exciting. In the 7th grade my mom made me get braces on my teeth, as i had mild buck teeth. It required 2 molers be pulled, which i bravely allowed. Mom also catared to my taste whims with lots of fancy dinners & eating out at resteraunts we liked.

The big setback for my teeny girl-chasing was being sent(9th grade)to a all boys techy hi-school across town by bus or car. It was to protect me from the ‘blacks’(& sex) mom & dad both feared horribly then. So i tried hard to fit-into the new giant school, took sports & made the wrestling team varsity for 4 years of struggle. In freshman biology i had my first ‘prayer works’ experience when i forgot the assignment, wanting to succeed, i prayed hard for the teacher to ignore me, it worked, wow! my first ‘invisibility’ of dozens of answered prayers i forgot afterwords. I Got good grades B+ in freshman year, then slid down to under ‘C’ ave. by senior year, after 4 years of stressing out. During teens i was growing more ashamed of my stuffy, scared & very controlling parents,who also were afraid of me disobeying & upsetting someone, which i often did.

The greatest blessings of my childhood were: 1. Having no cavities till 16, then my teeth seem to rot fast after braces were removed. 2. Have a few ‘hot girl friends, we made out in scared passion. 3. Going camping with parents to many state & national parks in tents 4. Getting a runabout waterski boat to play with my friends on river. 5. Had lots of play energy & good sleep. 6. I was allowed to drive the family car, get my drivers liscence & dates

MY WORST PROBLEMS WERE: 1. Orphane(never met mom)into nursery at 5 weeks, no tit or bonding 2. Adopted by infertile antisexual parents, clean freak Christians in war 3. Toncilitis,toncils were removed by hospital in survery come out sore. 4. Overeating junk foods from birth(baby bottles)on till late 20s got fat. 5. Braces on teeth in 7th grade, 3 yrs. hurt every adjustment for days 6. Got slapped in the face often & spanked 20 times for disobering. 7. Smoking ciggs & drinking booze for about 10 yrs mostly weekends. 8. Often got sick, dozens of colds, achs, pains, rashes, throat infections 9. Took lots of immunizations, & antibiotics shots & normal x-rays. 10. Got hit by car on my bike twice, no major injuries, thank angels. 11. Many minor hurts in sports, wrestling & fighting injuries to prove it 12. Getting cot many times breaking rules: telling bad fantasy stories; speeding in cars, smoking & drinking on my breath, & puking in my bedroom after drunk nite out; I snuk a girl into our basement; cheating at school, stealing ciggs, magazine, etc; often staying out after cerfew; fake ID(I’d made)taken at a tavern; beer & sex in cars( no arrests) few rubber condums in my closet, etc. I usually denied with faked innosense when confronted with ‘crimes’, which minimized the punishment. The worst was being beaten for sneeking out at nite to have a booze party. My parents, later took me to cops to find out where booze came from. We lied to cover our sources, but trust was busted for months after.

By then ‘god’ was a distant fantasy, church & school were stress jobs & sex we the ‘sin of choice’. But angels still protected me from the dangers of teen adventures, amid many minor accidents, risking my life in fast driving, water skiing, drunken parties & a few tuff fights. I got kicked out of many groups like: Boy Scouts for smoking at summer camp; Little-league baseball for leaving the dugout during a game; the Lettermans club in hi-school; the ATO fraternity(freshee) for breaking house party rules; my college dorm for breaking many rules, which my parents jerked me our of Un. of Ore. they’d sent me to attend college.

Then i returned home after 1 term(failing a class) determined to get a job, a real girl friend, get a neat car & have sex, as a party animal. I returned to local college bound to succeed & got layed by a nympho. But that was exciting, depressing & made me question what love really is? On JFKs deathday i met my new girl friend, we got drunk, went- steady, had wild sex & she got pregnant a year later, so we had to get married. We had 2 boys, while i worked on RR & attended college, stressing out,hyperesponsible & got sick as usuall. Slowing i was secretly turning on with music & pot in ‘67 & deeper later.