Slorg's Antares Job-hop

October 8, 2014

Slorg T. Slollopus, Ph.D., Q.E.D., T.A.W.A. (Tentacled Alien With Attitude)
Program in Comparative Cosmography
Superversity of Orgzone
EU
Tellus
Galactic Quadrant 714J.0925


Prof. Zorg Gogglesnarp, Chair/Seat/Armrest
Search Committee
Division of Comparative Comparativistics
Snarkorus Multiversity
230 Gorgothia
Antares Nebula 392AG-84J

To the Search Committee:

Yo.

I hear you’re looking for someone to scope Antares’ subquantum net. It’s your lucky day: due to a series of complex plea bargains involving visas, export-permits, and an Andromeda-sized hole in the Galaxy 349GR’s Residential Legal Code, I’m surfing the Antares quadrant on a run for some nautiloids.

My qualifications: I’m the best.

I received my Doctorate of Galactology from the scopin’ dudez at Orgzone (G.T. 2984.294.28AG). After doing undergrad work in the field of subneutrino Riedel equatorials, I wrote the first neural net fully compatible with Advanced Dialectical Osirian Recon Navigation Operation code (average sync ratio with Planar-neutral species: 423.64%), using specialized Bankfurt School looping techniques which the Galaxy’s business clusters would give half their tentacles to own, plus a probability mesh scanned from the 10,384,902,284,274 to the 13,024,489 known prion wraps of the Silicon, Carbon and Natrium-based planetoids of the Third Spiral Arm. In my spare time, I grow giant underwater squid and squeeze undead credits from the clutches of the interstellar BankBorg.

As a litcritter in the Program in Comparative Cosmography, I taught innumerable life-forms the mysteries of Galactic Media Culture, dope rhyme lyrics, and subneutrino phasal arrays. Not only did I exercise sole responsibility for the design, teaching and grading of these courses, but I also wrote and designed the textbooks, starched the drapes, made the coffee, served as my own executive producer, incited and then put down a coup d’etat against myself, using armed/tentacled forces which, because they consisted of myself, were loyal to myself, and subsequently negotiated the video rights of the entire gripping drama to a Centauri subnautilus named Bert for 46,024,280 trillion Galactic units (by an amazing and completely unexpected coincidence, the exact amount needed to float the collateral on that BankBorg deal).

My work experience includes:

1. A highly successful internship at the Anomalous Materials Lab of Black Mesa Research Facility, Arizona, the EU’s Bananamerican subcolony (Arizona was recently repossessed from the Bananamericans by the European Investment Bank due to nonpayment of interplanar parking fees). Ran e-codes for Earth-Zen Liberation Network, published detailed account of the development of particle-beam guerilla weaponry along with co-rebels G. Freeman (Tellus, biped), and Xghtaghos N-Ullock (Xen, trypteroid).

2. Neural net coder for Tokyo-3’s Evangelion unit 04 (“Asiazilla”).

3. Seven Galactic star-units of squeezing liquidity from undead accounts, without a single successful GALACTIPOL prosecution. That’s seven star-units, enough time to watch your friendly neighborhood neutronium star go white dwarf. Think about it.

I’ve got some code up at [uplink deleted]. My dissertation, entitled Ion Storm: or, Bankfurt Frisst Die Welt, has two main themes: first, a dialectical-ontological-polyhedral explanation of why the Mets lack pinch-hitting, and second, some field research on the dominant social pattern of the carbon life-forms of this planet, a.k.a. crudely exploitative, technologically primitive clans called “multinational corporations”. As a special bonus, I get busy analyzing Galactic Rhymesters Willy “Ozoid” Bebop, Henny “Hamlet” Mill, and Willy the Gib, a.k.a. Space Ace, a.k.a. The Carmack, illustrating pixel-by-pixel how each played an indispensable role in the latest Transgalactic Deathmatch Smackdown.

I can be contacted at any of Earth’s neutrino nodes, or at Zorghemoth’s planetary comlink. Also, my personal semdrone will be handing out my brainscan at this year’s InterGalactic Literature Association conference in the Antares Quadrant (look for the metalloid dressed in Gorgarian sheet-lightning).

Make my legal eagle an offer and we’ll do some numbers,

Slorg T. Slollopus

[ Return ] Back to SlorgNet