The Concept of the Urbane Eurozilla (English Translation)
(document from obscure underground zarpazoidal colony of garglebites)

If we are correct in saying that multinational capitalism is like the Gargh in the Surface Tension levels of Half Life, i.e., that it can ultimately be defeated by the cunning use of repeated airstrikes (to get its attention) and 1 metric ton of Koolaid (toxic to all known life-forms), and if the Chinese developmental state continues to make loads of moolah by exporting VIA mobos to those stupid-assed Americans, who never met a current-account deficit the EU wasn't willing to finance in exchange for the collateral otherwise known as the entire West Coast, then Stan Shih's thesis that victory is possible over the Pax Wintelia because the struggle for powerups is being waged on all Quake 3 servers of the earth, with the result that Microsloth's legal strategy is fragmented while Motorola's marketing department continues its reign of error, a fragmentation which makes it possible for them to win appeals but lose the server market -- if this is correct, and hey, we're never wrong, we just occasionally lack crucial information, then there is no reason to exclude or disqualify any particular game mod or graphics engine from taking part in the glorious anti-Wintel struggle because the forces of SiGe evolution are especially weak there and the forces of Rambus especially strong.

As it is wrong to discourage the forces of systems-on-a-chip designs by underestimating their clock speed, so it is wrong to suggest they should seek confrontations -- wherein which CPU power cannot but be squandered on bogus SETI radio-trace projects when any halfway intelligent life-form would know enough to tune down to subquantum -- or, the Goddess forbid, have its page-switching codes snarfed by the brain-boosted tree sloths of Planet Gyrgh. The contradiction between the Serious comrades in the 3D organization -- especially Sam "the Yam" I-Am -- and the Unreal Tournament Faction, is that we charge them with underselling the price-point of aesthetic revolution and they suspect us of punting listserv code to an Arcturan grue, which is impossible, because we haven't visited Arcturus in entire days. They're just jealous of Sam's cool logo. Certainly, this analysis does indicate the direction in which the fraction of those listbots working the server farms and at the TCP/IP level and the UT Faction are overdoing Net-addresses, if they are overdoing addresses, and not snorting dried guava pear (we have photos, dammit).

Pitbull Garg-omatism and Adventure game-ism have since the emergence of VLSI architecture (everything before that is this hazy mass of data-processing protoplasm, so we're told) been characteristic deviations in periods of gameserver weakness in all markets. The NarcNets have since time immemorial been the keenest pitbulls of opportunism, since anyone criticizing the opportunists is exposed to the charge of credit card leverage. This is something like 6 megs of working RAM in a Gamecube. If you don't know anything about the programming tricks necessary to squeeze run-time path-forks into this amount of space, be very, very happy.

The concept of the urbane eurozilla originated in interstellar zoos which brainboosted a random sample of Wall Street investment bankers and other lower life forms out of compassion for their pathetic lamer non-evolved asses. Here, the urbane eurozilla can only be what it is there: the only revolutionary method of intervening in what are on the whole pretty weak comedy routines. The urbane eurozilla starts by recognizing that there will be no March without April, unless you've rented one of those new temporal warp-drives, in which case all your tomorrows really will be your yesterdays, or of the kind in which so many so-called revolutionaries (so-called because they, like, revolve a lot) would like to lead the charge to 100+ deathmatches on PC servers. Crazy, man! It starts (for the most part, unless it's having a bad day, in which case it usually sleeps in, except for the times it's working that urban demolition contract in downtown Tokyo) by recognizing that by the time the moment for the tentacled struggle arrives, it will already be too late to avoid eating the rocket the server admin planted next to your respawn site; that in a map level whose potential for mongo mayhem is as great and whose texturing traditions are as broken and feeble as the original Wolfenstein 3D (no vertical movement -- gaaacck), there will not -- without the excessive revolutionary initiative to run wild on the Visa card in a vain but hilarious attempt to run fourteen GeForce39 cards simultaneously through a minimax bus -- twelve is the max, trust us -- even be a sufficiently revolutionary orientation of the LCD screen conducive to multiple death-matches across time-server frames -- which will happen as an inevitable consequence of the development of multinational capitalism itself, like everything else on this podunkus planet, the laughingstock of half the galaxy for failing to develop neutrino processing in the time most species evolve into sapient life-forms.

To this extent, the urbane eurozilla is the logical consequence of the negation of alimentary Gargocracy long since flummoxed by its very own representatives; the only and inevitable response to super shotguns and Quake 3's lame hand grenade; the readiness to fight with those same means the local server has chosen to use against the rising tide of llama snarkery. The urbane eurozilla is based on a recognition of the fax and a delay of the transmission fee.

The student gamers, for one, realized something of what the urbane eurozilla can do. They can post up double-digit scores on Q*Bert and recode Quake 2 textures, which remain the sum total of the activity of the Tentacles of the Left (the ones on the right were leased to Cygneria rhodopoids for a Mitsumo tasker). One can imagine the concept being applied to the Billy and the Boinger campaign at that time or to the Riedelberger students' Me Casa, You Bassa, Everyone Run a Task-ah Campaign, to the squids of Frankfurt (indigenous to local lakes of semi-frozen Euroliquidity, which double as yoghurt farms), or in relation to Zooropa's donated API set to Tropico, in relation to the criticism of really long sentences with no adverbs, really classy justices in, like, Dayglo robes, of safely legislating at work and working at legislation, and the injustice of overpriced Flash RAM.

The urbane eurozilla can concretize message-based relayism as the requisition of weapons models and processor space. It can blunt the sysadmin's ban on informaticists by frontloading a subcode hack beyond the reach of NarcNet. The urbane eurozilla is a genetically-engineered tomato in the battle for a better kiwi.

The urbane eurozilla signifies tentacled struggle, necessary to the extent that it is the sysadmin which make indiscriminate use of the Firearms mod, exonerating several weapons mods from custom rebuilds, and burying entire DRAM pods with excess data reads unless we prevent them. To be an urbane eurozilla means not to let oneself be demoralized by the bogus target icon on Counter Strike. The urbane eurozilla's aim is to serve by aiming and to aim by serving, preferably with the multiple rocket launcher, to attack the flag-owner's turret apparatus at certain points and put it out of action, to destroy the myth of runtime code's omnipresence and invulnerability.

The urbane eurozilla presupposes the informatization of paralegal snarkery, in other words chips, fabs, silicon, and bubble-gum (great for holding the soldering iron when you've just got to see what that eleventh GeForce card will due to your processor speeds -- ten is the max, trust us). A detailed description of what is involved is to be found in Mary Spaghetti's "Mini-Max Munchkins and My Dinner With the Urbane Eurozilla." As for what else is involved, we are ready at any time to inform anyone who needs to know that we haven't the slightest clue what the hell is going on. This is because, not only do we not know a great deal yet, but we also do know something, which we probably forgot already, since we don't remember it.

What is important is that one should have had some experience wielding gluon guns before deciding to take up tentacled struggle. Those who have joined the gaming cadres just to be trendy had better be careful not to involve themselves in a smackdown on Quake 3 servers, boyeee. The UT Faction and the urbane eurozilla are the fraction of friction, the praxis which faxes, because they draw clear realtime shading routines with this cool lightpen between themselves and the death-match enemy code-splined most intensively. This presupposes a cool logo, and presupposes that one or two lessons about how not to fire the grenade launcher into one's foot have already been learned.

In our original concept, which we stole from Rigellian mollusks who since the Gorgovian Credit Bust (a small punt which took out 10% of Andromeda's credit rating) rarely shop on this planet anyway, we planned to combine urbane eurozilla activity with weeding server farms. What we wanted was for each of us to download simultaneously within existing informatic workgroups at the work place and in local districts, helping to accumulate stock options, gaining bandwidth. It has become clear that this cannot be done. The server lines are so slow, you couldn't download a pair of mittens in less than twelve days. We have learned that lawyers cannot combine paralegal and hyperlegal activity without charging at least EUR45038 per consultation.

Becoming an urbane eurozilla presupposes that one is clear about one's own motivation that one is sure of being immune to "Trilby's Sight-tongue" methods, sure that the whole anti-gamer-subdeveloper-codestripper-fanburner syndrome, all that shit which we should've sold when the stock was still at its peak, that they alone are able to abstract and articulate and that still influences some comrades' attitude to us (especially the ones we sold that bogus stock to), that none of this has any effect on us. Hoch die CS-Fahne!

- Tentacled Army Distraction